Today marks 3 weeks home. Wow. It feels like it was yesterday we were stepping off the plane in Allentown to meet my family.
I said to myself as we were preparing to become a family and more importantly, an adoptive family, "He may cry for no reason. I just have to hold him and love him." That has proved to be harder than I thought. Not because I don't love him or want him, but because IT'S REALLY HARD. It's difficult to hold a screaming baby, knowing he's been fed, diapered, and cleaned, and knowing there is nothing else you can do for him except hold him and try to comfort him.
It's even harder when he doesn't quite feel like yours yet. If I'm going to be honest with myself and the few people who read this blog then I need to say that I'm still learning to feel like Petros is my son. Not because I don't want him or feel like we made a mistake, just because it's reality. This little boy we prayed for for almost 2 years is finally here. Family bonds don't happen overnight and I hear they don't even happen overnight sometimes for biological children.
However challenging our adjustment has been (and it really hasn't been that bad), each day I feel closer to him and today I held him in my Moby with some worship music on and worshipped in my living room. I was singing and praising and thanking God for this little person and once in a while he would look at me and smile. It was magical. He's becoming my son. We make each other laugh, cry together sometimes, and sometimes I'm the one who's crying because it's his fourth time up in an hour and I've had no sleep (that's for you Whitney) =) I feel ya sister.
I believe that it is virtually impossible to understand joy without having experienced what pain and sadness is like. When I think about the circumstances my son had in his beginning days I cry in pain. Pain for his birth mother, pain for him. I imagine him in that moment and the ones after. But then I look at him. I look into his amazing eyes and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has placed him with us both as a gift and responsibility.
Then I'm struck with fear.
I'm not worthy. I'm impatient. I'm selfish. How could God give this gift to me knowing all those things? Without Him I'm doomed to failure, with Him I'm destined for glory.
As our adjustment continues, I'm getting to see a small glimpse of the adoption plan God has for us, His children. Adoption is painful and joyful at the same time. The loss of birth parents is nothing a child should have to endure. But God makes a way for these children to have families, just like he made a way for us. That's where the joy comes in.
Only, the hard work that Jesus did on the cross grossly overshadows any lack of sleep and temporary discomfort I may feel in this new way of life.
Thank you Father for sacrificing your son so that I may be adopted by you. Thank you for this amazing journey and making adoption not only possible, but ordained by you.
Thank you so much for Petros. He is just amazing.